How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
How does one acquire holy water?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
