dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
