totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
