By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
