my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
