Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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