Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
