it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize