oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
