he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize