If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
