dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
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