We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
