we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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