Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
