if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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