This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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