She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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