my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I still have a little drunk in my system
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
