there's paper in my vomit.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize