I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
