If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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