I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
