I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
