Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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