So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
