I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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