Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
