Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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