I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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