Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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