nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
