I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
