If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
