Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
