just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
