I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
