i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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