You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
