I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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