the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
