Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
