Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
