I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
