I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
