a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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