i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
