his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
