his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
