just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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