i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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