I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
