Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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