i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
There r osticjed everywhere
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
