he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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