I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
