I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
