Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
