If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
So apparently I’m into choking now
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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