"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
