The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
