Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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