Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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